Being a mom

Well it has been a couple weeks since I last posted with some ups and downs but nothing much. My teen with angst went to summer camp and had a blast as usual, this was his fourth year! He turned 14 and I can hardly believe it and do not think it is fair that little ones grow up way too fast. It is true that all a parent has to do is blink at a certain moment like a wrinkle in time and whooop there they go at light speed from a giggly four year old to a fourteen year old that knows everything and you are always wrong but when they need mom they still snuggle. Snuggling a gangling fourteen year old who is inches taller than you may seem challenging but I find it no more challenging than a two year old who does not want to be held because they know if they sit still for more than 30 seconds they will sub-come to the sandman. Once your baby always your baby is what I think I cherish all the hugs, snuggles, mom can I sleep next you's, head laying on the lap's, and I love you's that I can get from my teen with angst, since as he puts it "I will be going to go to college soon and what will you do then mom since I won't be living at home". Even in the special moments once in a while he reminds me, but I know that I have the title of MOM and no matter what that title means that no matter how old the teen with angst gets he will always come to me when he needs to for some mom time whether it be just to talk, a hug, encouraging words, advice, or a little snuggle. I love my title and cherish it always. This week my teen is in PHX with his uncle and soon to be aunt, lets see if he wants to come home!

Another week goes by......

Well another week goes by which marks nothing in particular. I had 2 doctors appointments that went well since there was no medicine changes for the first time that I can remember in recent months! Although I was not perscribed anything for my restless legs that seem to come alive a few hours after I take my medicine and feel like I have a bunch of somethings creeping through them. Oh well they are afraid of giving me anything since my reactions to medications have been mild to horrific I don't blame them. My physiologist has asked my regular doctor to give me a referral to a speech therapist in order to help me with cognitive thinking, not speech that part is just fine. This link lists a lot of my problems that the speech therapist would help me with http://www.upmc.com/Services/Otolaryngology/ServicesandSpecialties/SpeechLanguagePathology/Pages/SpeechLanguageandCognitiveTherapy.aspx
When I read I still can't tell you what I have read unless I have read it at least 10+ times, I have a hard time at times putting sentences together or thinking of the right word or what to say, etc.

Last week mom took me to a couple of restaurants Mimi's Cafe and then with Peyten to Chili's which was OK until I had to order. It took me a long time to read and understand what I was reading, understanding it, I was getting very distracted by the noise of the facilities, and it was so very very hard to concentrate. I was so frustrated at Chili's I wanted to break down in tears but I tried really hard not too. Peyten was highly concerned because he did not understand why I was having a hard time since I had never had a hard time at a restaurant before, of course since my life was altered mom has only taken me to places where everything is very familiar like Mexican food. Oh it was so tiring but I got through it all had a good lunch at Chili's, not going to go to Mimi's again they were horrible and the staff was beyond rude.

I also went on my first road trip since the reset button in my brain was hit. It wasn't very far, only one hour, but it was a lot to take in for me. We went to El Centro, CA to pick up Peyten's tenor sax and pay off his alto. We left at 9 in the morning made a couple little stops and were on our way through the warm desert sun before it heated up to baking mode. We went through the beautiful yet haunting Imperial Sand Dunes where many perish, have fun, and films have been made throughout the decades. Then we saw the long meandering brown fence in the not so distance that separates the USA from Mexico, at some points it looks like you could throw a rock and hit it. The lovely inviting blue water of the All American Canal which snakes through the soft beige sand looks cool and refreshing yet like many of the snakes found in the desert sands is deadly to those who challenge it. I saw a little burrowing owl sitting on a lone post looking longingly at a tilled field, wondering when it would be safe to go home. I smelled sweet freshly cut alfalfa which was ready to be bailed and stacked. The blackened fields of spent wheat were sprouting dust devils in shades of gray while the green stalks of corn waited for their gifts to ripen for picking. One may not look very close to a stretch of boring road that lasts a short while, but when one does it gives you a new outlook that can reach your soul. It is the little things and the little gifts that mean so much that need to be cherished and not overlooked.

This is my son's 4th year at summer camp, I can hardly believe he has grown up so fast. Peyten is turning 14 on Friday and I wish I could keep him little and mine I know that one day I will have to let him fly away and be his own man. I have given him gifts and opportunities to learn right from wrong and good from evil, and to be compassionate and humble. I have raised a young man that would give someone the shirt off of his back if they need it, yet when he needs a hug and encouragement he comes to me. He is smart, loving, handsome, sweet, determined, giving, with values that are indescribably high for someone so young. He is not afraid to give one a peace of his mind if something is not right, and he can dole out encouragement to those who need it. My son has been a proud Boy Scout for 9 years in September, he is honor roll and is in all accelerated classes, he is a band member who has been playing the sax for 5 years, he the owner of a Russian tortoise for 6 years, he has learned the flora and fauna around him along with different cultures which he loves, he comes from a single family home who was lucky enough to have a village help raise him with values and morals. He was a gift to me and one day he will be a gift to the world in his own time. Happy Birthday son I love you very much my love bug!

Well that is all till next time... G

better than last week!

Well this is a new week with a new outlook. Last week was full of an emotional roller coaster and unbelievable's. So last week closed with my ex's sentencing being moved to 7/9/2010 which is strange my paralegal said. He was also moved to another jail which is farther away by 2 more hours woohoo! Idiot wrote my son a letter which Peyten thought was going to tell him what his dad did to deserve being put in jail, tried by a jury, convicted, and jailed but NO he could not MAN UP! Did I expect it hell no! The letter was full of "I'm sorry", "I am embarrassed", and "I love you". I have no doubt that this man does not love his son and I bet he is sorry that he was caught and is embarrassed at that. So I did the only thing that I could do because my son was asking too many questions and getting upset, I told him.

On Friday I told Peyten that his father is a sex offender. My son was not surprised at all, I needless to say I was floored. Peyten actually said that he was surprised his father was not caught earlier due to the fact that he has seen inappropriate pics on his phone many times in the past! Needless to say I was upset and well ya upset for I did not know and put my one and only in the hands of a pedophile without realizing it. Then I realized Peyten was strong enough to say something if he was touched or photographed inappropriately, but of course he was afraid of tattling on him for others!

Well I felt better that Peyten was not in the dark anymore but knew everything and was not in the least bit upset nor surprised. Peyten expressed that he wants no contact with his father from now on. He does not want to speak to him on the phone since he has nothing to say. He does not want letters since they are ridiculous and full of saying the same thing over and over but nothing important. Plus he does not ever want to see him in person since the thought makes him sick to his stomach. Peyten can't understand how anyone at all can do this to children since it is too sick and twisted to think about even for a 13 year old!

I am doing better in light of everything. My son is not upset with me due to his fathers crap and does not feel that I hid anything from him. Peyten feels like I just needed to get the information and he needed to get the jail letter first. My head and stomach have started to be friends again for now even though one doesn't like tomatoes at all anymore. I have calmed down from where I was 1 week ago and feel better.

As for my fibro today is going to be a tired day. I could not get to sleep on Saturday night so I ended up reading part of the 3 book of the Outlander Series, oh man is it good to say the least. I got up before everyone so much so Toby the boxer dog and the 4 doodie cats looked at me like I was nutters. I even went out to get the paper and it was not their! Peyten was presently surprised and scared that I was awake when he got up to get ready for his trip to Tombstone. Well he left, I read the paper, fixed coffee, watched the news and went outside. I watered half the front yard which would not be much but it is an acre full of plants. After that I went and checked on the surrogate banty chicken mom and her 2 baby peahens. I gave them water and food and then had to deal with a break-in.

This would have been funny for anyone on the outside, but at the time was not so too me. I forgot to close and bungie cord the gate from the big chickens outside! Know mind you we have little bitty chickens and turkey sized ones that are all pretty docile except for one neurotic rooster. I have 8 - 10 of these bruisers in with the babies and had to get them out before the little guys got trampled!! Well at first I tried to pick one up at a time and well every time I pitched a chicken and turned to get another one the last one came back in! After 10 minutes I got smart and found a stick let me tell you I am a #1 chicken herder! I got that stick and swiftly showed all the hoodlums the door and let them know I was not playing and indeed they wore their welcome out. After 5 minutes I had everyone out, the chicks and mom were settling nicely again pecking the ground which had freshly thrown tortilla chips and crumbled pumpkin pancakes on it among real chicken food. After watching them pecking around for a while I left smiling to play by the pool with some kittens. What a relaxing time.

Unfortunately I did not get to sleep till last night in the middle of True Blood. Oh well at least we have On Demand to watch it. Peyten had a wonderful day and got in about 11 said he woke me to say good night. I am loved by a wonderful son I am blessed. Today is going to be a slow day since I am achy and worn, my feet are killing me due to my disease and my toes are all rebelling. Even though I slept for 11 hours I think I shall go back to sleep for a few more.

A wise person told me that if I can write my feelings the confused thoughts will leave my head. Well how can someone who has a child feel that it is fine to take photo's of other children doing various things in a bathroom! How can this same man tell his son's mother that she may not put him in scouts or have a big brother from the big brother big sister organization because he doesn't know the person or their background! Hello and you can look yourself in the mirror and not see the monster! You can actually tell a judge, jury, and your own son that you are not only innocent but falsely accused when there are not only pictures but witnesses and video on you phone, in the stores recordings, and on your laptop of these horrific incidences. When they try and convict any kind of sex offender they should throw the key away, which I say is mild to what I actually feel. One day you will have to look into you sons eyes and explain to him why you did this and see not only the hurt and pain, but the look of distrust and disgust in his beautiful hazel eyes. Your son is man enough at his young age of 13 to know that no one has the right to touch him the way you did these girls, and no one has the right to photograph him in the ways you felt was proper for these young ladies. You are the monster that took the innocence away from a couple girls under the age of 14 by engaging in lewd and levacious acts that took place in a Starbucks bathroom of all places.

I am grateful that you have not raised your son and for the most part have left him out of your life, I thank God for that! I, Peyten's mother, have done a fine job to keep my son safe from monsters like you. I have seen to it that the men in his life are worth a damn and what is expected of him in the future. I have given him the life skills that will be used through out his life, plus taught my son that it is never embarrassing to hug or kiss you mother at any age. I put my child into scouts at an early age so that he would be around wonderful men and others his age because I knew deep down that he would need them in the future. I have succeeded in raising a child that is well rounded, loving, happy, talented, and very smart that has overcome many obstacles. Every time an obstacle arises we plow through them even when I do not think it is possible.

I will and always be a mother and do what I know best which is to love, nurture, and be their for my son. I am the one to go to to cry on or vent too, I know it even if the venting is hard to take. I love unconditionally and always will no matter what. I am proud that I have raised you my way, yes my way! Son you are my one and only child that I love the one and only mom. I will tell you the truth and we will get through the pain, but remember you are not a reflection of anyone but me. We are strong and we can do this, our nightmare is over nobody can hurt us anymore.